who needs

Guest Blog: Who “Needs” A Man Anyway

who needs

A man should be an accessory not a necessity.  Although the statement could go on to say “woman are an accessory not a necessity” it is safe to say that society has taught woman that a man defines your value and a man is the determining factor of weather you are a “complete” woman or woman who isn’t all there yet.  Do you see where I’m heading with this?

“But where’d you come up with this outlandish statement?”

A few months ago I decided to go on a journey of self-discovery and during the process I unraveled some truths that I never knew were even there. I wanted to believe like many “independent woman” do, that because I had my own car, worked 3 jobs, paid my own bills and attended school fulltime, I was an independent woman who didn’t need a man—“I had my own.” And yes on the surface, I was well put together, but deep inside I realized there was a void. There was still this part of me that needed a man to feel complete: Some of us fill that void with attention from men, or dating multiple men back to back or being in a relationship but too clingy. In my case, I realized that I needed a man to support me emotionally. With my inability to realize that I could meet those needs if I just looked within myself, I made a man a necessity.

“But what’s wrong with making a man a necessity?”

Before I address this question I want to give clear cut Webster dictionary definitions of a necessity and an accessory.

A necessity: 1. the fact of being required or indispensable 2. an indispensable thing.

In the case of a necessity, oxygen is a necessity. Water is a necessity, shelter is a necessity, in our society, money is a necessity. Those examples are things that are indispensible. They are things that are essential to our very survival.

An accessory: 1. a thing that can be added to something else in order to make it more useful, versatile, or attractive 2. Something added to something else to make it more useful, attractive or effective.

A scarf, a pair of sunglasses, a hat, a watch are all examples of accessories. They are not needed to complete an outfit but when added to an already completed outfit, they make it more desirable, useful, or attractive.

Now to address the question:

There isn’t anything “wrong” with making a man a necessity per say, but what I want other woman to understand is that making man a necessity cripples you and prevents you from discovering inner joy, peace and just how incredible you really are. Not only that, but it prevents you from becoming a whole woman (I’ll address that a little more later on).

But then there is also the concept that when a man becomes a necessity, he becomes indispensible. And when a man is indispensible you as a woman are more likely to allow him to get away with certain things that you wouldn’t allow if you could understand your value. What I’m saying here is that a needed man who cheats is more likely to be allowed to stay; a needed man who beats you is more likely allowed to stay; A man who is a necessity can get away with showing little to no affection or care, and we as woman who don’t understand our value are more likely to stick around. But by now I’m sure your saying, “oh no not me! I aint sticking around for no man’s bullshxt. It couldn’t be me!”

And HEY Maybe you’re better than that and you know that a man who can’t do right by you has to go? But let me point this out, you may be smart enough to realize that he’s not good enough and end up with another loser who still isn’t good enough. Or maybe you do end up with a good guy but the minute he stops romancing you or has to start gearing his time towards his future, you get bored or you feel like the love is dying out. (**shrug what do I know?)

“Ouuu… ouuu…. YASSSSS GIRL you’re speaking to me!!!”

Has it ever occurred to you as the “independent woman” that maybe the issue isn’t the man, it’s you? You may be complete at the surface but you aren’t complete from within. You’re still looking for a man to flatter you, and tell you you’re beautiful. Your still looking for a man to take you out and treat you like a “lady,” (WHY CANT YOU TREAT YOURSELF LIKE A LADY?) your still looking for a man to dry your tears from the last man who hurt you and tell you that your worth so much more than him; you’re still looking for a man to sweep you off your feet and fall in love with you! But are you even in love with yourself? Can you sit alone and not feel alone? Can you wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you’re beautiful and ACTUALLY believe it? Can you make a list of all the things that make YOU amazing and if you met another person like you, fall in love? Can you HONESTLY go a few days being exactly who you want to be, doing exactly what you want to do and still be able to wake up in the morning and say “I feel ALIVE?” (PLEASE DON’T KILL THE MESSANGER! IM JUST SAYING)

Can you be a whole woman who comes into a relationship already flattered, already swept off her feet, already in love with herself? (I’m not talking about you conceited woman either… there’s a difference). Can you choose not to be the woman who is empty and is looking to fill the void? Because if you are a whole woman who is in tune with herself, physically, mentally, and emotionally; a man will never be a necessity. Because everything he does, although it will be appreciated and noted, it will only be icing on the cake. He will not be able to walk all over you and do as he pleases. He will be on his best behavior when he understands that you are a woman who understands that HE IS in fact DISPENSIBLE (I’m not talking about you woman who tell a man you can have another him in a minute neither).

When you become a complete woman within herself, a man will be to you what jewelry is to a completed outfit- something added to something else to make it more useful, attractive, or effective.

Sincerely, Woman

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