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Women can tell a lot about you by the shoes you wear. Regardless if our thoughts aren’t completely accurate depictions of who you are, this is how we’re sizing you up. So you might want to take some notes…
You’re outdoorsy, laid-back, drive an SUV, and own some wide-brimmed hats for sure. You’d take us to a rap concert on a date and would let us buy a round. Timberlands are classic – just like you, an OG who was listening to Biggie before he was Biggie. These boots are built to last, so even though we’ll have some rough sex and heated arguments, you’ll still be loyal. We just have to break you in a little.
The Man Who Wears Boat Shoes, Top-Spiders, Or Sperry’s
You’re a little bit of a pussy, which implies you won’t say no when we demand that you take us to upscale restaurants. You like to accessorize with man-purses and overpriced sunglasses, and you’ll enjoy going on shopping trips with us. Guys who wear boat shoes stand with their hands in the pockets of their seersucker tailored shorts and say things like, “Is it weird that I’m going to order a salad?” (It’s not. But now it is.)
Your idea of a good time is lounging by the water, casually doing “a little work here and there” on your laptop, and Instagramming — using heavy filters — photos of luxury items. Too bad you’re only good for one season.
Like a great pair of Converse, you are understated, complimentary and effortlessly fit in on any occasion. You can go to a backyard party or a red carpet soiree – either way you’ll enjoy yourself. Whether you are the newbie or leader of your group, people like to be around you due to your easy personality. And so do we. We like that you care about your appearance, but aren’t trying to compete with us.
You’ll take us to see live music or go bowling on our first date and you’ll cuddle us at the end of it. Converse are the All-American, all-star shoe and you are the well-rounded, all-star guy. You have an interesting, non-traditional job, appreciate going out just as much as staying in, and like to bro-out every once in a while. Plus, you also have a hobby like seeing movies, listening to music or reading on the subway.
We’ll wear you in like the shoes you’re donning.
The Man Who Wears Flip Flops Or Sandals
You’re an athletic guy who’s probably running from one practice to another, but that doesn’t change the fact you’re STILL WEARING SOCKS AND SANDALS. The only person who could even remotely pull this off is Cristiano Ronaldo. Are you him? No, so take off your damn socks and make sure your toenails don’t resemble anything from the movie “Beetlejuice.”
Men who wear sandals and socks are amateurs. They look like a totally innocuous species (save for their footwear) and that’s partly because they are naïve, eager to please and unable to make their own decisions (hence choosing both the tubewear and flip flops).
These guys love to bro with their fellow dudes, and will probably take their advice when it comes to relationships. They spend a good percentage of their day playing Madden or some other sports related video game and smoke a lot of weed to accompany their gaming. Think “frat boy who hasn’t grown up.”
When we eventually break up, we’ll be asking ourselves why the relationships lasted so long.
The Man Who Wears Hipster Shoes
Without even looking at the rest of your Salvation Army garb mixed with beards and flannels, we already know that you’re a hipster. Oh wait, sorry — you don’t use labels.
You’ll probably take us to a farmer’s market on the first date, and then we’ll go back to your outrageously expensive Brooklyn pad to cook up the ingredients, and next maybe we’ll watch vintage porn from the 1920s…on your flee market record player. Just thinking about reading books in coffee shops gets you hard.
We’ve already broken down the anatomy of a hipster, but chances are you accompany those elf shoes with an Amish man’s hat and non-prescription glasses. The hipster man likes to roll his own cigarettes (but doesn’t actually smoke them — it’s bad for the environment) and is currently taking offense to this paragraph.
For someone who is supposedly mellow and lax, you are actually very high-maintenance. There isn’t enough room in your life for us, your bookshelves of classic novels and your obscure band collection.
The Man Who Wears Designer Dress Shoes: Ferragamo, Gucci, Prada
You’ve got the sex appeal down pact. You’re obviously wealthy, appreciate finer things, and know the difference between Calvin Klein and Armani. You are used to getting what you want and boy do we hope it’s us.
The man who wears Ferragamo loafers is no dummy. He has a real job probably in finance, real estate or law, and he is proud of the money he’s earned. This stud will wine and dine us, expect a great lay in return, and demand that we keep our bodies in good shape (after all, so does he with his lavish gym membership).
He knows fine wine, but would still be up for a killer beer. He can crush it in the boardroom and then crush it in the bedroom (or so we’re hoping – sometimes really nice shoes are all a front, kind of like cars and penis size…but we digress). He’s well-liked by his buddies, but feared by his outer circle — just the way he wants it to be.
Like fine shoes, you’ve spent years crafting your persona. Some might call you an assh*le, yet that only attracts the ladies more. We’ll vie for your attention and wish that you’ll keep us around, but like your expansive shoe collection – us women are merely a commodity to you. We’re a dime a dozen when you’re buying with Benjamins.
The Man Who Wears Puma
If you are unlucky enough to encounter this brand of dude, we suggest you cross the street. Engaging with him in conversation would be like trying to talk to an amnesiac. Plus, he’s probably too concerned with how his muscles look in the store window.
He’s not going to get a chance unless he rethinks his footwear (if he can actually think that hard).
The Man Who Wears Sneakers: Nike, Jordan, Adidas, Asics
He wears quarter zips with elastic cuffs and thinks Kanye West is violent. He also likes to bring his lunch in an insulated bag and then save the Tupperware for later. He’s so nerdy it breaks our hearts, but we also love him for it.
Shockingly, he always has a really nice, genuinely sweet girlfriend (while we’re all still single) and treats her like a queen. The guys who wears New Balance is a little boring like his sneaker choice.
He could’ve had a shot with us if only he just changed his sneakers. New Balances are a dead giveaway that a horny teenager is having more sex than you.
The Man Who Wears Distressed Boots
The guy who wears distressed boots has been to rehab before, but is unassuming and still drinks copious amounts of alcohol. He might even have a celebrity friend or two from childhood and likes to wear hoodies to the club. Actually, he’s wearing a hoodie to the club because he’ll stand outside with the promoter the whole night, chain-smoking and acting like a low-key big shot.
He’s more interested in maintaining his independence and shady promiscuity than he is in wooing you, so don’t expect this guy to fawn over you. It’ll be hard to get him to take you seriously and he’s incredibly picky — like he was about choosing his perfectly worn in looking boots. You don’t choose him, he chooses you.
This guy rocks expensive jeans and walks with swag. He goes to his friends’ art gallery openings, lives downtown and has a drawer filled with fresh t-shirts. He even has a large rescue dog and goes unshaven from time to time to complete the rugged look.
If you’re able to nab him, just be careful — distressed boots are known to have holes.