“I been in this game for years, it made me an animal
It’s rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual
A step by step booklet for you to get
your game on track, not your wig pushed back”- Frank White
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, it’s the “Ten Side Chick Commandments™.” Fellas think for a moment, how do most of us get caught up with a side piece? Spending quality time, texting insistently, going out on dates(that hurt me just to type), social media, meeting up at parties and events and the biggest culprit, leaving a paper trail. We’re thinking everything is sweet, having our cake and eating it too, then that screenshot rolls through and panic ensues. Or even worse, that one hating friend your girl has, and at the world because once her man got on his feet he left her and she hasn’t been on a date since LAST summer, does all the private eye work and gets you caught out there coming out of the Seekonk theatre’s with your side jawn.
1. Absolutely no social media affection: Out of sight out of mind, once you start liking my pictures on Instagram and sending heart eye emojis on twitter your Mid-Level Exception contract will be terminated instantly.
2. Banishment of “I love you: So what I sold you a dream? I don’t love you, I love my real girl, and honestly you don’t really love me either, you just don’t want to “lose” to another woman and feel second best. Once you say “I love you”, I’ll just shrivel up and whither away like a vampire in the sunlight.
3. I go night night at 11PM sharp: Office hours are from 11AM to 11 PM, please don’t contact us, we’ll contact you. Don’t call or text me after 11pm, the memories of our tryst should be enough to hold you until the morning. You shouldn’t be expecting a good morning or goodnight text from me, please find some simp for that, we don’t subscribe to those types of greetings.
4. I’m starving is Code for “sex”: Most likely I have your saved under an assumed name in my phone, so refrain from trying to “Sext” with me or taking me about current events. I’m here for the Yams, period. I’m trying to set up our meeting in clandestine locations like it’s a drug deal, the less contact the sexier you are to us.
5. No spooning or cuddling for more than 5 minutes, if at all: Spooning after sex gives females the impression that we really want to be with you or a chance for something “more”. There is no such thing as “more”, there’s just this peen and some bubble gum.
6. No Glove, No love: This commandment could have been number one as far as I’m concerned. I’m not playing the pullout game with you, or having you trying to use certain positions so I can leave some baby batter inside you. Safety is paramount, your already having an affair with me, who knows what other bad decisions you’ve made.
7. No PDA: Don’t try to hold my hand girl, your going to end up mad and embarrassed as I Euro-Step away from your embrace. Please don’t subtweet me, take a pic with my hand, leg or beard in it, especially if I have a tattoo, because there’s some lonely bird sitting home made at the universe because she didn’t get “chose” who just can’t wait to connect the dots. Any violations will lead to your contract being voided.
8. Meet my squad but NEVER my family: For lack of a better term your my side chick, maybe I’m boyfriend #2, and I don’t mind if you chill with the squad, cook, roll the J’s or bring a friend or two around. But, if you insist on meeting my family you will punch your own one way to ticket to the heartbreak hotel. NO matter how cool you think you are or I tell you that you are my family doesn’t want to meet you and I FOR SURE don’t want to meet yours, shit I can barely tolerate your hoodrat friends.
9. Beware of the holiday season: Under NO circumstances will I be spending Christmas, Easter, New Years, Thanksgiving or Valentine ’s Day with you. You have a better chance seeing a ghost than you do of seeing me during the holidays. Gift giving is optional, but please don’t be mad if you get me a pair of Jordan’s and fresh outfit for Christmas and all I get you is a forever 21 gift certificate.
10. Memory Bank: I need you to act like you came in contact with that red beam from Men In Black when it comes to us. Every text, every convo, every picture can be used as blackmail and who really wants to deal with someone who’s that nasty and spiteful? Fellas be careful, don’t make a bad decision that could bring you down once these jawns start connecting the dots like the district attorney in a RICO case.
Now ladies before you get to upset you have to realize that this is a secret society and all we ask is trust, don’t you want to come on this ride with us, or do you want to act like the FED’s. Act like an adult and have an affair for once, come live in the fast lane, it’s more fun in the fast lane. I know your mom told you to act like a lady, or maybe she didn’t, but why not step out of your comfort zone and go thrill seeking? But fellas please be careful. Don’t let the lust lead to poor judgment and if you do get caught up? Deny Deny Deny