I’m 25. I’m young, I’m cool, I’m career-oriented and all those other fun things people say about millennials. Having children isn’t something I think about often,
besides the occasional scare. Recently, I was talking to a good friend and she reminded me about a time I said I’d make for a shitty father. Of course, I completely forgot I said that, but upon reflecting, I found my reasoning.
Firstly, I’m still having a hard time taking care of myself. My mom still reminds be about dentist appointments, I don’t have a budget and I can barely feed myself. This is very common, though. Arrested development is a widespread phenomenon amongst folks my age… and also the name of a TV show I love.
Secondly, I have trouble connecting deeply with people in general. I love being alone (it’s the new hotness) and that keeps me from building strong relationships with people past surface level interactions, which I’m pretty good at. This extends to family. I love them but I don’t call or visit enough. When we’re together though I’m all in. Making jokes, reminiscing and building. Once we go our separate ways, it’s a different story. I’m aware of it and I hate it. My family deals with it as best they can but it sucks. This might extend to my child. What if my kid goes to summer camp and I forget I even have a kid!? What if I start watching Back To The Future and completely forget they exist!? I’d be shitty. This is what I’m worried about.
These two things combined with my lack of emotion might keep me from loving a baby… my baby. I think I’ll like the hell out my son or daughter. We’ll watch Arrested Development together, play all the video games I love and go on adventures. I’m just worried I won’t have that connection. The one that parents talk about when they see their baby for the first time. I feel like I’ll be less a dad and more a friend-that-shares-similar-genetic code. And if my partner and I split? Forget about it! People will ask about my baby and I’ll literally have to make up answers.
Maybe I’ll start liking this kid over time. It might take me a year or ten, but I hope I’ll eventually love the human I help create.